ADHD & Relationships

Relationships equal reciprocity and holding space for the other person’s priorities. 

The older we get the fewer expectations we should place on our relationships (friendships). Remember just because you are a good employee doesn’t mean you get the promotion. Being a good friend doesn’t mean you automatically get that in return. 

I ask myself, are you capable of having a surface-level friendship or are you an all-or-nothing friend? Yep, you get to choose.

People come & go, it’s part of a normal cycle & there’s nothing wrong with you. And you are allowed to grieve. 

Vulnerability + Empathy = Connection

I think we have been conditioned by society to think the worst, that the labels are true & we are probably not deserving of connections. And that quantity (how long they last) over quality is more important.

Let me share something I don’t talk about with too many. I grew up in an emotionally unstable environment, where the appearance of healthy family dynamics was only intended to be a facade to ensure the outside world thought we were this perfect happy family. When in reality, I was trying to survive in a very unhealthy environment. And there was ZERO empathy still to this day. And the examples that were set, were sending messages that in order to gain love I had to place an exuberate amount of pressure on myself to be this “perfect” little girl. And anyone who dared to give me the time of day, I should be grateful because, I have ADHD, which makes me more difficult to deal with. 

I am proud to share that I believe ADHDers can have deep meaningful relationships. I am living proof of that as I am happily married to my best friend of more than 20+ years but that doesn’t mean it has always been easy. ADHD can affect every part of your life, especially in relationships when those you love might not be aware of every aspect that you struggle with day to day. I firmly believe that it is up to us to educate ourselves & others on what we need & not be afraid to stand up & ask for help. And we should be striving for quality healthy relationships, that feed us & help us recharge. Let’s talk about how to handle the not-so-easy stuff that actually affects our daily life.

GROCERY STORE FIGHTS!!!

Let me share this story with you about overstimulation in relationships & how my husband & I have worked through this & keep working through it. My husband and I have gotten into more arguments in the middle of the grocery store than I care to admit. It’s ok to laugh, it happens. But the real growth begins, in how we recognize these issues & dive into working with our ADHD versus against it. I eventually realized that we were battling overstimulation & a lack of communication inside that store & at home. All of which led me to start asking some important questions. 

What do I need that I am not currently getting? 

What would make our time in the store easier? (Or insert what you are struggling with)

What are the signs that I am becoming overstimulated? 

Here’s the problem that I uncovered, I had a list, and I knew what I needed to pick up but he wanted to push the cart & have me tell him what to do & where to go. But we didn’t have a plan beyond that. And then this light bulb went off, I felt like I was his parent at the store and not his equal. I hated these trips because he wasn’t engaging or offering help, after all, he was pushing the cart & taking directions. And it is a recipe for disaster, blow-ups, anger, resentment, etc. Overstimulation is at the core, a natural process that unfolds when our executive functioning goes offline, which in turn creates outbursts because our central nervous system becomes dysregulated & our logical brain leaves the building. All of which can lead to a mess of misunderstandings. 

The good news is that we have the power to recognize what situations trigger us, before it happens, maybe not at first, as it is a learned skill. But the more we recognize it, the easier it gets. Today, I am proud to say that 90% of our grocery store outings end well. I am not scared to admit that we aren’t perfect. But when I start to feel cranky, I share it out loud & he listens (and I am so grateful). Sometimes we fall back into the old repeated patterns and that’s ok. But taking the time to examine this pattern, being open to what we need & leaving our egos at the door, has drastically changed our relationship for the better.  Here are my personal strategies that I use that have helped me.

Calmly discuss with your partner what is going on, after an overestimation episode. DO NOT try to discuss it in the heat of the moment, nothing will get resolved because the logical brain has left the building. 

Distracted or hyper-focusing? Your partner may be feeling a lack of attention. Simply acknowledge their feelings, and create a safe place to discuss. Then maybe, set aside time for you both to put down your phones, be present, and or get outside in nature & enjoy each other’s company. 

Forgetfulness happens, and sometimes important information will easily fall out to make room for other stuff. Ask your partner for help remembering things. My husband who I suspect has undiagnosed ADHD, forgets many things. But when we both started asking for help from each other & began to clearly state our needs, a more trusting relationship emerged for us both. Before this, I didn’t trust him to remember to be sure ranch dressing was included in our favorite restaurant take-out order. I laugh about it now & I still have to remind him. But the resentment is gone. 

Disorganization is a recipe for stress. Our environments are very important, but if I had a cluttered home, I would never be able to relax or write. My husband & I each have our own rooms where we can keep things as messy & disorganized as we want. And simply close the doors. But our main living space remains free of clutter. If you have read my e-book, Explain My Brain you know what my room was like as a kid. And how I organize my laundry I never fold, to minimize clutter. And how we have someone come every week, who understands I have ADHD & she cleans our home to take that off my plate. I realize not everyone can afford that luxury but maybe you have a friend that loves to clean & organize and that would be willing to help. We even have a local bulletin board on Facebook, where I reach out & can be connected with helpful resources. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, you might be surprised who responds. You are also welcome to reach out to me, for a more personalized brainstorming experience.

Procrastinating a 5 min task for weeks on end is something we are all familiar with. We see projects as this whole ball of tasks that needs to be done. We have to break the ball. I remember the first time I was living on my own at my local university. My roommate was also ADHD (someone thought this would be a great match) but apparently, she had mastered the art of getting things done, whereas I had not. I regularly left dishes in the only sink we had in our tiny dorm room & this drove her nuts & I get it. I remember her calling a meeting with our resident advisor, where she unloaded all these things that I wasn’t doing. I was embarrassed and ashamed & we didn’t talk much after that. But I started learning how to break up tasks into smaller more manageable steps. In fact, recently, I walked into the kitchen & looked at my husband & said “that pile of dishes seems very overwhelming” his reply was “well, why don’t you start by unloading the dishwasher, while I get started on laundry” light bulb, he gets me, he gets how to handle these situations. 

These are some examples of how to thrive but if you have specific needs, please feel free to reach out to me contact@garlandpresley.com. I am happy to brainstorm ideas and provide you with that “best friend” support system that you need.